Thoughts on Technology: balancing restrictions and independence through accountability

I often meet with the parents of

teenagers struggling with addictions to try and answer their questions as best I can and give them a sense of hope for their child.  Some of the questions that usually get asked regard technology, parental restrictions, and safeguards.

With this discussion I think it is very helpful to understand a few principles before looking at specific things that will be "okay”, too lax, and too restrictive.  First we'll discuss the power of accountability and winning at home before looking at specifics and fostering independence.

I used to think being accountable was all about being punished when I did something wrong. I was held accountable when I received the just consequences of my disobedient behavior. This began to change when a church leader visiting my mission taught us. When I served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we were part of a pilot program allowing missionaries to carry tablets. The expectation was that we should be using that technology appropriately and asking a companion to check our tablet daily to demonstrate how we were following that expectation.  This church leader, Elder Brent H. Nielson who was a member of the Quorum of the Seventy, told us that we should continue the practice of being accountable in our use of technology after our mission ended with a parent or our spouse. One missionary asked, "At what point can we stop checking in with somebody and just trust ourselves?" Elder Nielson's answer surprised me greatly and opened my eyes to what accountability is supposed to be.

In response to the missionary's question Elder Nielson quoted Genesis 2:18: "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone;"

For those members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who have been endowed in one of God's temples, you will recall that accounting or reporting back is part of the pattern of heaven. On any matter of personal or eternal importance it is good to have an element of accountability. Reporting back or checking-in deepens relationships and creates motivation.

With that in mind, it is helpful to have protective measures in place so that you or whomever is struggling with appropriate use of technology is not fighting alone. That leads into the second point I wanted to make. No matter how hard you crack down on technology you cannot entirely prevent someone from misusing it. If someone is determined to lose a battle, they will find a way to get what they want. But that doesn't mean that you can't make your home an easier place to win. You can protect them from accidentally stumbling across something that will lead them to a lost battle.

There are so many young men I work with who are tempted to lose, but are not passionately seeking it out. For these boys, bumping into a Web filter or some other protection is the little push or reminder they need in order to win more of their battles.

Understanding those principles, there are a few things you can do that I would recommend. Password protect all devices with Internet access. Keep computers in publicly visible areas like the kitchen or family room. Practice "double-deep" which means they can't be on a computer unless someone else is in the room with them, even if that person is doing their own thing. Use a Web filter like K-9, Net Nanny, or Covenant Eyes. Do not give your child a mobile device (cell phone, tablet, laptop, etc.) until they can pay for their own. If you do give them a cell phone, consider having it be a ‘dumb’ phone (like a flip phone or a phone that doesn’t connect to the internet). If you do give them a smart phone, put protections on it that they can't change. Require that all phones be given to you or charged in a public place (ex: the kitchen) each night. Smart phones or other devices with Internet access should never be taken into bedrooms or bathrooms. Frequently check Web history on all devices and invite your children to check yours.

Obey all the rules you are asking your children to and be accountable to them. If you act above the rules you impose on your children, they will likely resist and resent the rules. If you explain they are part of a plan to keep your family safe, obey them yourself, and invite your children to keep you accountable, they are more likely to accept and appreciate the rules.

With these safeguards, it is important

to keep the long-term in mind. You want your child to be safe at home WHILE preparing them to safely function as an adult. I once met a mom who adamantly stated that she was the Web filter for her son. He was never allowed to be on the computer or access the Internet without her sitting right next to him the entire time. That can be a good thing to do, but what happens when this boy grows up and goes to college? What about when he gets married? It isn't practical to ask a roommate or spouse to sit with him each time he has to use the internet, they will have their own things they need to get done. Give him tools and teach him skills so that he can keep himself safe when he eventually grows up and moves out.

As your children develop and become better at exercising control, it will be appropriate to allow them greater flexibility within the protections you have established. Counsel with your children one at a time about what they are allowed to do with technology. The counseling aspect is important. Ask for and honestly consider their input. If you speak with them at a time where they are at a Level 0 on the Chemical Scale, they will know their limitations and weaknesses and may impose protections on themselves.

One of the greatest perils associated with modern technology is its tendency to isolate. Setting boundaries around what kind of technology you bring into your home, how much, how it's protected, and how often it can be used are ways that you can help your family members avoid the isolating effects of technology. By setting and abiding by standards as a family, you will experience a greater closeness with the Lord and His Spirit which will help you and your family to win your battles more easily and definitively.

To hire me as your life coach where we can create a plan to put the above principles into practice for you, follow this link.  Fighting Like a Dragon - Life Coaching