Dear Future Spouse

Writing is a powerful tool that enables personal progression. Unfortunately, this is a tool that isn't used to its full potential by many. In this article, I wanted to introduce a form of writing that is more powerful than just recording your thoughts and the events of the day. The particular form of writing I'll be focusing on is called Letter to Future Spouse.

This powerful form of writing can be incredibly helpful for teenagers to use, and the pattern is easy to adapt to someone who is already married. This letter writing can be a potent form of accountability and ministering, as well as a medium for deep reflection.

Part of what makes these letters powerful is that they are written with the intention that they will be read. As you begin composing these letters, promise yourself that the night before your wedding you will give your future spouse a box full of letters. It can be fun to imagine how they will probably stay up really late reading the things you have written to them.

These letters are pretty straightforward. Start by writing "Dear Future Wife" or "Dear Future Husband" at the top of the page, and then just write whatever is on your mind. Write whatever you would write in a letter to someone you know now and care about deeply. That will often include your activities from the day, but it doesn't have to. I began writing to my future wife when I was 18. I would talk about what I did that day, battles for self-mastery I won, battles for self-mastery I lost, my thoughts, my feelings, I would ask questions, I wrote her stories, I even composed poetry. I didn't realize until years later how corny some of those poems were, but my Darling loves them (sometimes because they're corny).

These letters may seem a little ridiculous, but they are powerful. One of the main ways that these letters will benefit you is by changing the way you think about your choices and actions. When you recognize that these letters will be read by someone you would really like to impress, it becomes uncomfortable to write about all of the poor decisions you make. As you consistently account to your future spouse through these letters, you will begin to pause and think when faced with the opportunity to do something dumb. At that moment you will remember that you will have to write later about this decision to someone you really want to impress. Remembering that makes it easier to go and do something awesome instead. Then later you can write "Dear Future Spouse, Today I had the chance to do something dumb, but I thought of you and am a better person because of it."

Another powerful effect of these letters is on the person you are writing them to. As I mentioned before, I began writing letters to my Future Wife when I was 18 years old. I was 23 when I married my Darling. I wrote to her almost every night and over that period accumulated more than 2,000 letters to give her. Imagine the good it could do to read over and over again "Dear Future Wife, I am a better man because of you and I look forward to finally meeting you." You can begin showing that you care before you even know the name of who you are writing to.

If you are already married, it isn't difficult at all to adapt these letters. You just drop "Future" from the beginning of the letter. Writing these letters may be even more enjoyable for you than for a teenager because you can see how your spouse reacts when they read them.

By writing to someone with the intention that these letters will be read takes normal journaling to a deeper level. It promotes deeper thought and more thorough reflection. It can be a very meaningful way to minister. It can even become one of the most uplifting parts of your Border Patrol.

To hire me as your life coach where we can create a plan to put the above principles into practice for you, follow this link.  Fighting Like a Dragon - Life Coaching

Learning from your victories

Q2: How did you win your most difficult recent battle? What did you do right that helped you win?

Satan works hard to get us to forget. He wants us to forget how he beat us so he can use the same tactic again (see Learning from Failure). He wants us to forget why we fight. He wants us to forget to do our Border Patrol activities (also see Out of Sight, Out of Mind). This is one of the primary techniques he uses in this war. Another thing he wants us to forget is how we won. Ponder for just a moment, what does Satan gain when he persuades us to forget how we beat him?

It seems blatantly obvious that being able to repeat victories is essential to long-term success. Yet, Satan subtly gets us to minimize our victories and exaggerate our failures. This is partially why reflecting on recent victories is the second question of "The Captain's Log" in the book Like Dragons Did They Fight.

If you are having a hard time identifying how you won, start by replaying the story of what happened. It can be very helpful to tell someone or write it down. I find it both amusing and helpful to start with "There I was, minding my own business when…" After recounting the story, go back and identify the things you did correctly that helped you to win. Some people even develop an "arsenal" by writing down the "weapons" that they have successfully used to win battles. Identifying and drilling those techniques is a powerful way to build your Border Patrol and win battles before they even happen. The added benefit is that by drilling those strategies, they will come easily when you need them the most in battle.

A real-life example may be helpful to illustrate this. So there I was, minding my own business, trying to prepare to teach a Sunday School lesson when Satan hit me with a wave of "you don't feel like it." I paused to check how I felt and, sure enough, I no longer felt like preparing to teach my lesson. Satan quickly suggested an alternative activity that I did feel like doing, playing a game on my phone. The Holy Ghost chimed in and reminded me of how poorly my lesson went last time I didn't prepare, and how I felt about that afterward. After receiving those gracious reminders from the Holy Ghost, I got up and walked to the kitchen table where my lesson materials were. I still didn't feel like preparing for my lesson, but I did it anyway.

In this situation, I valued teaching a lesson that invited the Spirit and edified those who heard it. Satan attacked that value and offered an "innocent" alternative. I hope you noticed my levels on the Chemical Scale in this battle. Satan subtly spun me around the Satanic Spin until I was at a Level 2 (Unedifying Emotion), which in this case was "I don't feel like it." As soon as he got me to recognize the emotion he had planted in me, he hit me with a Level 3 (Dude Moment). In this battle the temptation was a blend of distraction and procrastination, to put off my preparations and play an "innocent and creative" game on my phone instead. Was it a lie that the game was "innocent and creative?"  Actually, no. I wouldn't have it on my phone if it wasn't. He was trying to get me to replace something that was "Better" with something that was merely "Good" (see "Good, Better, Best" by Elder Dallin H. Oaks). Fortunately for me, the Spirit stepped in and I acted on the promptings I received.

There were two major things I did right in this battle. The first was to act on the promptings I received. The second was to do what needed to be done regardless of how I felt. In the process, I ignored Satan's temptations and won the battle.

What things are you doing right to win your battles? How could you sharpen and improve those tools so you can win faster or better in the future?

If you'd like me to be your coach and help you put these principles into action, click this link to schedule a time to meet. onidah.youcanbook.me

"Caught Ya!" - bringing dark things to light

In one of his final conversations with his son Helaman, Alma the Younger shares that “by small and simple things are great things brought to pass” (Alma 36:7-8?).  One of the most simple but powerful tools in Spiritual Warfare is Bringing Dark Things to Light.  Throughout scripture there are several references to Satan working in the dark, using forbidden covenants and secret combinations.  God works in the light.  What the world calls secret, is really sacred.  Truths that are so important that they are “set apart,” which is what the word sacred means.  God never intended for any knowledge to be withheld from anyone.  The most sublime truths that are only appropriate to discuss in the temple were meant to be taught to everyone.  All that keeps someone from learning these sacred things is their own lack of appropriate preparation.

When Satan fights, he tries to fill his opponents with shame.  He wants you to be so mortified by the thoughts, feelings, and temptations that he offers you that you won’t dare mention them to anyone.  Satan is a pedophile.  He works to convince you that the dark thoughts and feelings he sends you are yours.  He wants you to believe bad things are your fault, and that because you enjoy the sense of pleasure that comes with the sins he persuades you to do that you actually like being bad and are broken beyond repair.  When someone with a physical body says these kinds of things to a child, we call them a pedophile.  When Satan whispers these kinds of things to us in our own voice, remember he is an excellent ventriloquist, we call them “negative self-talk.”

One of the easiest ways to annihilate this kind of dark is to bring it into the light.  Say it out loud.  Notice the immediate thoughts or feelings you are probably experiencing right now?  Perhaps they are feelings of the horror of what other people might think if they heard those thoughts.  Maybe the thought is something like, “Well that’s a stupid idea.”  Remember, Satan is a pedophile.  What would a pedophile with a mortal body tell a child when they consider saying out loud the things that were happening to them in the dark?  Satan knows how powerful the simple act of shining light on his work is.  It is devastating.  Crippling.  Debilitating.

Allow me to share a real-life example that illustrates this point.  When I began dating the woman I wanted to marry, we set some basic rules to keep us safe (never be the only two in a house/building, can’t be together past midnight, that kind of thing).  Almost immediately after we were engaged Satan began to intensify his assaults on us.  Early on I told my Darling that from time to time I would state the temptations I was feeling out loud.  I explained that by saying them out loud and making her aware of them it helped me recognize how foolish the temptation was and made sure I wouldn’t do it.  For example, we set very specific rules about what kind of physical contact was okay.  When I felt tempted to cross that line I summoned my courage, told my Darling what I was feeling, and we put a little more space between us so it would be easier to win that battle.  We spent more and more time together as our wedding date approached, and Satan continued to intensify his attempts to prevent us from having a temple marriage.  We worked to communicate, to bring the dark temptations we were experiencing into the light, and we never once crossed the lines that we set.

This tool is simple, it takes some guts, but it is astoundingly effective.  Imagine the power that could be yours if you told your spouse, “I really want to cheat on my diet right now.”  Once you have the thought out in the open, it is a lot easier to wrestle with.  Also, everyone you know almost certainly experiences the same kinds of dark thoughts, feelings, and temptations that you do.  If your spouse told you, “I really don't want to go exercise right now” at the exact same time you were having the exact same experience, how likely would you be to judge or condemn them?  I’m guessing you would probably feel relieved and understood even though they were the one who said the thought out loud.

Satan has been practicing psychological warfare for thousands of years.  Don’t try to outthink him.  That is like the moment in The Princess Bride when Vizzini agrees to have a battle of wits with Westley.  You remember the scene?  After Vizzini dies in the midst of his victory cackle, Buttercup says, “To think -- all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.”  Westley responds, “They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to Iocaine powder.”  Moral of the story: don’t fight Satan on his own battlefield.  No matter what you do, you are almost certain to lose.  He’s got the field rigged in his favor!  Say your temptation out loud, shine a spotlight on it, and you’ll find it is much easier to win your battles.

To hire me as your life coach where we can create a plan to put the above principles into practice for you, follow this link.  Fighting Like a Dragon - Life Coaching

Creepy Guy Detector and the Aura of Ammon

There is a special Gift of the Spirit that comes as a form of protection. It is an extension of the Gift of Discernment and among the programs at Life Changing Services it is known as "The Creepy Guy Detector."  It is also sometimes called the “Creep-o-meter.” This is a gift that some men have and many can learn. On the other hand, God has blessed almost all of His daughters with this protecting gift, they just need to be taught how to recognize it and always heed its warning.

There seems to be a strong connection between the righteous women of Zion and the ability to discern creepy versus pure, good from evil, and the origin of social trends. "Many women have the gift of discernment. Often blessed with the power to know and understand beyond their experience." -Elaine L. Jack (April 1996 General Conference)

This Creepy Guy Detector is a real thing. It is difficult to describe what it feels like, but a couple stories from a General Conference talk relate very well.

When he was a young man, Elder Spencer V. Jones of the Quorum of the Seventy was out at night with two friends. One friend accidentally kicked a skunk and all three of them got sprayed. They smelt so bad that they were not allowed in the house, were subjected to many humiliating home remedies for the stench (which all failed), and nobody would interact with them for days.

After a while, naively thinking the smell was gone, we tried to approach some normal-smelling girls. They would not allow us within yards…

At times, consequences of sin may appear to be very subtle to the sinner. We may even convince ourselves, as we did before approaching the girls, that no one will be able to detect our sins and that they are well concealed. But always to our Heavenly Father and often to spiritually sensitive leaders, parents, and friends, our sins are glaringly apparent.

While attending a youth fireside with Elder Richard G. Scott, I noticed five youths scattered among the congregation whose countenances or body language almost screamed that something was spiritually amiss in their lives. After the meeting, when I mentioned the five youths to Elder Scott, he simply replied, 'There were eight.'" -Spencer V. Jones (April 2003 General Conference, emphasis added)

To those who have this spiritual awareness, sin cannot be hidden. They may not know what is amiss in the sinner's life, but they know something is "off" or not quite right.

Anyone who is willing to work can learn the Gift of Discernment and the accompanying Creepy Guy Detector.  Russel M. Nelson has said that:

Personal revelation can be honed to become spiritual discernment. To discern means to sift, to separate, or to distinguish. The gift of spiritual discernment is a supernal gift. It allows members of the Church to see things not visible and to feel things not tangible.  With that gift, sisters may view trends in the world and detect those that, however popular, are shallow or even dangerous (April 2009 General Conference).

Aneladee Milne who is a mental health therapist and an expert on teaching about The Creepy Guy Detector describes it this way:

The Creepy Guy Detector is the sense a girl or woman gets when she detects there is something off about someone. We call it a “felt” sense. The felt sense is a manifestation in her body. The creepy guy detector is a subtle repulsive feeling. It is sometimes felt in the gut. She will notice her nose curl up a little as if something smells “fishy” (click here to read more of what she has to say).

An important point that I want to make is that even though we call this gift of discernment the Creepy Guy Detector, it is not only men who are “creepy” or not living virtuous lives.  Women as well as men can give off a creepy vibe.  Boys and men may be less likely to notice this unvirtuous vibe because this gift of discernment does not seem to come as easily or naturally to them. That is one reason why it is so important for parents to meet the friends and romantic partners of their children. Teenagers either may not notice or may not pay attention to the subtle spiritual warnings they are receiving about the people around them.

If you are the one who has some sort of relationship with someone who sets off your Creep-o-meter, seriously seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost to find out if you are safe around that person.  You most likely aren’t, or the Creepy Guy Detector would not be going off in the first place.  You will likely feel compelled to stay with them, because if you just love them enough then they will change and rid themselves of their unvirtuous habits.  That is not your job.  It is very rare that your staying with them will actually bring them to a better place.  You may actually be accidentally sending the message that you are okay with the stench of skunk that they carry, that you are okay with the lifestyle that causes them to reek of sin.  Leaving your friend, partner, or whoever it is may be one of the most helpful things you can do for them, and definitely safer for you.

As with other spiritual principles, there is an opposition in all things. Just as there is a spiritual aura that is repulsive, there is another that is attractive. I don't mean attractive in a romantic sense. We just feel safe around these people.  Feeling safe around someone and feeling good around them are not the same thing. It feels edifying, uplifting, safe, and even healing to spend time with this kind of individual. Again, this is something that women tend to notice more than men. It also tends to mean much more to women than it does to men. When I was younger I called this influence the Aura of Ammon (mostly because I liked the alliteration in the name). As I learned, I discovered this is really part of the Light of Christ shining through somebody.

We need to learn and be taught to pay close attention to the Creepy Guy Detector within us. It will give advance warning if someone close to us (a friend, a parent, a sibling, a spouse, etc.) is living an unvirtuous life.  This “felt sense,” this gift of discernment can help keep us and those we love safe from physical, emotional, and spiritual harm.  It can also help to bring sources of light into their life and their home.  Elder Boyd K. Packer said, “We need women with the gift of discernment who can view the trends in the world and detect those that, however popular, are shallow or dangerous.  We need women who can discern those positions that may not be popular at all, but are right" (October 1978 General Conference).

If you'd like me to be your coach and help you put these principles into action, click this link to schedule a time to meet. onidah.youcanbook.me